Sometimes a meltdown is needed to rise
As a solopreneur and a single mother, there are many ends that need to meet, for everyday life to function and our little family to thrive on all levels. I do my best and try to joggle with all of it. One of the things that challenges me, is to have to work on weekends, but occasionally I do so to promote my work, meet potential customers and mingle with other solopreneurs.
Now my work, my mission: energy work through design, is my playtime, it is when I work that I take time to be me, to explore parts of the universe that I still yet to experience. It is when I work that I fully envelop myself and forget the mundane day to day joggle needed for reality to work. And I love it, I love that my work is my "break", that I get to be of service and find fulfillment and get my batteries recharged, so I can be the mother part of me fully when not working. I am so blessed, to have found my ikigai, that I wish for all people to find theirs and shine in their light.
This weekend I worked to promote my work. It was a design fair, where I could meet customers and sell the things I design - the pieces that I create to help people release stagnant energy. I know for a fact that my work, is so advanced and high vibrating, that it is not for everybody. Yet for those it resonates with, it helps on so many levels. I knew that this fair was a gamble, as my ideal target group wasn't the main group, but non the less, I attended it, to get out there. I didn't sold much, but met so many people that were interested in my design, which in itself is a good days work. And on the day, I was perfectly fine with the outcome.
However, on Monday, I woke up, very upset. Not feeling good, for the first time in many, many years. Feeling that my work was not worth the effort I put into it, feeling like a failure. Feeling that my only option, was to throw in the towel. And as the day move on, I went deeper into sadness, yet still pushing forward for a deadline. In retrospect it seems that I was on two different dimension at the same time, one where I worked through the sadness and feelings, and the other where my soul just worked happily towards that deadline.
I cried for the first time, in a very long time. I allowed myself to let go, and allowed myself to feel the feelings that needed to be felt. Feelings that aren't coherent with who I am on a soul level, yet feelings that have hunted me for my entire life. I allowed them and let them be, and go. It felt as a meltdown, where my body on one of the dimensions only wanted to crawl into a fetus position and just lay there, allowing sadness to be. I knew that this meltdown, was temporarily, yet It took me by surprise. I have done and do my inner work, and I have released what no longer serves me, yet there it was, still something that doesn't serve me.. The surprise was felt mostly because just the previous week I had a mayor feeling, an intuitive-aha-wisdom-moment that it is time. It is just about to take of, to get seriously joyous on so many levels, that these emotions completely contradicted my intuitive wisdom. The sadness continued until late night and I worked through what needed. Woke up this morning, feeling exhausted. As if I had run a marathon during sleep, yet I was so light. I felt that I hovered above ground and felt so relieved.
During the meltdown, although exhausted and completely lost, I stayed on my path. Stayed true to me and that which fulfills me. That where I shine brightest - though not understood by many. And I did that, because I know my work is powerful, I know that because witnessing my work, do what it is born to do, in plain eyesight, is a great fulfillment in itself. For that joy I find in helping others, release stagnant energy and shine their light, is worth the while. Sometimes, although one does their inner work, somethings stay hidden, and come up in the most unexpected forms, and almost takes you by surprise. And although uncomfortable in the moment, such release is utmost important, because it is the unexpected release that comes from deep within and empowers you to keep shining your light. It is this release that will clear you to receive goodness and upgrades. It is this kind of meltdown, followed by a release, that encourages you and put all into perspective. A perspective needed to stay on course and take those steps needed to be able to keep shining, while joggling with day to day life.
Yesterday was a mayor release day. Today I allow to integrate my lessons and to play more than usual. I allow myself to just be, because the work done yesterday was a mayor step towards the amazing-ness that is coming. It was the threshold that I couldn't find, but knew I needed to step over, to fully shine.